How to Torture Your REALTOR®


As a person who prefers leaving a transaction with a warm and fuzzy feeling, I think it’s important to avoid these phrases:

  1. “How can I make the buyer suffer?”
  2. (While under contract) “I don’t believe I am under contract, but obviously, I want to keep the earnest money”
  3. “I want the buyer to pay my bills next month”
  4. “I have no idea how you are helping facilitate my sale, so I want you to text me every time you’re doing anything, even just thinking about my home”
  5. “I’ll take the offer, but I want you to do an open house while we wait for this buyer to close”
  6. “As far as I am concerned, the first one to title with the money WINS!”
  7. “Don’t ever expect something from me same day… I work and have domestic stuff”
  8. “If I accept this offer, can I still accept better offers?”
  9. “Heck, I can upgrade the entire kitchen for $1,000 and make it just like those investor flips”
  10. “Maybe I should call the board to Real Estate and ask THEM how much you’re supposed to help me”
  11. (While under contract) “How are you going to market my house during the neighborhood garage sale?”
  12. (While under contract for sale) “Can you find me a renter?”
  13. “Writing the wrong date on that is like me doing surgery on the wrong hand.”
  14. “It’s been raining alot, send the buyer and his rep to the house pronto to check the new roof.”
  15. “I don’t think I’m under contract, and if I am, I must have been deceived by you.”
  16. “Why must I open attachments to find out what they say?”
  17. “I don’t agree with that appraisal, and therefore, it is null and void.”
  18. “Why didn’t someone tell me I would have to turn off utilities after closing?”
  19. “I expect to inconvenience someone else with this file.”
  20. (While under contract) “Why are you still emailing me? We’re not on speaking terms right now.”


Most importantly, if your agent manages to find you a buyer willing to pay $15,000 MORE than the appraised value, when not a single other soul has shown any interest in your home, you should refrain from any emotional torment.

Thanks! 🙂

*Based on actual conversations within a single transaction…

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